The Grand Adventure of Bohert Ohmygosh the Bully

Once there was a skeleton. His name was Bohert Ohmygosh the Bully. Or Bob, for short. Quite an ordinary skeleton, really, born into the Cranky Tribe of Skeletons. The ghosts, skeletons, vampires, bats, and all things that scare served Ugly the Mighty Ogre, the Mightiest of the Ugliest of Ogres. Their mission in life, (or in death, as was the case for Bob) was to make people from the far off distant land of earth, realize their faults and their sins before it was too late. There was no other profession in the underworld. Their reward for helping a soul was peace in the grave. But before then…they had to make amends. Bob in particular had been a serial killer, and his mission was to prevent all to-be-serial killers from killing anybody.

Bob had a brother on earth, a really, really nasty brother. His name was Rackham Shucksdarnit the Brute. Or Rob, for short. Bob and Rob were the nastiest, meanest, scariest people on earth. Bob’s profession was killing people. Rob’s profession was making large quantities of money in the sneakiest ways possible. So when Bob died, Rob decided he could take his brother’s death to his advantage, and he built the very first haunted house.

And this is the moment we fast forward and stop giving really boring exposition that will hopefully make sense and pay off later in the story.

Bob sat up in his bed. Did he hear the doorbell ring? Was it another vict—uh, customer? Pulling his nightcap on his skull, he clanked out of his room and slowly made his way to the telephone.

“Hey, boss?”

“What is it, useless skeleton dumb-brain?! Have you finally gotten some money, yet?”

Bob sighed. Rob was always in a rush to get things. “No,” he said in his low, unenthused voice.  “But there’s another family waiting outside…what did they do this time?”
“I don’t know! Make something up! You know, the usual! Killing hundreds of people, starting diseases, being a politician, ANYTHING!”

Bob put the phone down and walked to the door and opened it. Clearing his throat, he made his best attempt at a scary, dark voice. “You have entered into the Dark Realm…you have been a politician…prepare to meet your doom!” Bob lifted a sword in the air, ready to strike.

Only when Bob looked down did he realize that he was speaking to a small boy. The boy was now trembling with fright, for he had never seen a skeleton before, and, worse yet, he had no idea that he had been a politician. “Please! Spare me!” the boy cried.

Typical human reaction, Bob thought.

“Okay,” he said in his normal, low voice. “The boss says that you can go only if you give me all your money. Deal? Oh, and stop being a politician.”

“I don’t have any money right now, but I’ll raise some! I promise! Just give me a few days!”

“Okey dokey!” Bob said. He was a bit excited, now. He had been such a failure, a useless skeleton dumb-brain to his brother. He was supposed to be scary, and all that they had managed to collect were two pennies and a nickel.

No wonder Rob was impatient.

Bob lowered his arm which held the knife…or tried to, at least.

Oh, by the hairs of King Ugly the Ogre’s neckbeard.

Not again. Not now.

Just when he was about to make a scary impression, Bob’s arm couldn’t move. It had been in this condition ever since he became a skeleton, and all it really needed was a good dose of WD-40, but it didn’t really do all that good for making his mark into the world as a good, proper, scary skeleton.

“I’ll be right back, okay? Stay right there!” Bob ordered the boy.

The boy, a bit confused why the skeleton couldn’t move his arms, stayed put. Bob walked over to his room and found his WD-40 bottle holding up a college pamphlet by Professor Toothy-fanged Dripblood of the Creepy-crawly Tribe of the Vampires:

Join us at YIKES! University!

Scholarship offers include:

$3000 in Haunted Houses!

$4000 in Owl-Hooting!

$5000 in Melodramatic Mustache-guy Imitations!

As Bob sprayed on the WD-40 with his free hand, he contemplated whether he’d be able to attend the University the next year. He had always wanted to go, but he was never scary enough to make it.

That’s why this job was so important to him.

Returning to the boy, he said, “Okay…Oh wait…Hold up…” Bob coughed several times to adjust to his creepy voice. “Now get running, kid, or else I’ll send you off to my master…Mwahahahaha—”

“You’re no evil skeleton, you’re a fraud!” the boy cried, his arms crossed indignantly. He stuck out his tongue, then ran away, not having the slightest thought about returning with money.

Bob frowned. Another one had slipped through his fingers again. He was getting so tired of this…

“BOB YOU IDIOT!” Rob shouted as he came running down the stairs. He was dressed in his pajamas (which just happened to have pink unicorns and glitter all over it), but that didn’t stop Bob from shaking in his boots. “YOU’RE SO INCOMPETENT! Come on, SCARE me! I challenge you! Scare me! Scare me! Scare me!”

Bob couldn’t take his brother anymore. “You know, maybe scaring people isn’t actually my purpose. Maybe I’m supposed to do good in this world! Isn’t that what King Ugly the Ogre always says? We have a mission in the Underworld! To prevent evil people from being evil! Like you, brother! How could you build this house anyway?!”

“Oh…so you’ve finally found that one out, eh?” Rob asked mysteriously.

“I have! I’m done working here just to earn enough money and skills to go to YIKES! University!”

“Well in that case…” Rob said. “You are…USELESS TO ME! NOW DIE!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”
“I’m already dead.”

“...Dang it, why do you have to point things out like that?!” Rob cried.

“Now I’m going out into the world to be a good skeleton! Because that’s what good skeletons are supposed to be good at! That’s why I’m not scary, I’m just not meant to be scary!” Bob grabbed his WD-40 bottle and sprayed it in Rob’s face. Rob screamed dramatically and covered his face.

After he changed his name from Bohert Ohmygosh the Bully to Bohert Hooray the Niceguy, Bob went out to the rest of the world and did good deeds, and became a gentlemanly skeleton. And a gentlemanly skeleton never refuses anyone in need.

THE END OF BOOK ONE

BOOK TWO: Bob in the YIKES! University

Where the mystery will be solved of: Why did Bob keep his name Bob even though it didn’t match with his new name?

Duh Duh DUHHHHHHHH

*Mic Drop*